Random diet ramblings...

There's nothing I love more than chatting with a coworker about being fat when they suddenly pipe in with some variation of this winning quote, "Oh my god, I used to be a real porker!!! I was so fat I was like, grotesque! I used to weigh [insert weight here that is still 30 pounds lighter than you are NOW]." Ahh...priceless.

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I had an epiphany a week ago. Over the last 7 months of my "diet," I have steadfastly stayed away from counting calories. I knew I was far too lazy and unmotivated to actually weigh my food and keep track of what I ate. Instead, my strategy was to simply make better lifestyle changes and hopefully have the weight come off more naturally (i.e- eating healthier foods, being more active, etc.). My feeling at the time was this- if I do anything too drastic or too depressing (like count calories), I am more likely to give up, get frustrated and quit.

While I have to agree that this strategy has been moderately successful, I came across a quote the other day that basically said this, "If you wish to continue your same old lifestyle, you can pretty much expect the same old results." Ouch.

So guess who has started counting calories for the first time in 32 years?!!! I started a week ago. Originally I didn't think it would have much of a difference since: A) I have already been keeping a food journal for the past 7 months that keeps track of everything I eat each day. And B) I've also been paying more attention to the recommended serving sizes/calories of what I eat ("What?!!! You're not supposed to eat half a box of Triscuits in one sitting?!!!").

However, I have to say that actually listing out what you eat with the calories right next to it has had a huge, unexpected inpact on me. Here's what I mean:

Snacks I ate today (listing it out the old way):

• 2 handfuls of pretzels at work
• 1 serving of fruit snacks with lunch
• 1 banana after work
• 2 pieces of chocolate after dinner

Total calories: ???

Snacks I ate today (the new way):

• 2 handfuls of pretzels at work (220)
• 1 serving of fruit snacks with lunch (140)
• 1 banana after work (150)
• 2 pieces of chocolate after dinner (90)

Total calories: 600

Hot damn!!! I believe that this new technique has taken me to a higher level of 'mindful eating'. The actual moment of truth is (my monthly weigh in at Curves) this Wednesday, but I am very optimistic!

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It's funny, every strategy that has worked for me is not rocket science. In fact, I am fairly sure that all the things that completely bowl me over are things that nearly every skinny person on this planet already knows. As clueless as this realization makes me feel, it is humbling and I feel better having learned it.

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It's funny how much my life has changed in 7 months. The biggest impact on me by far has not been all the things that I thought would make me euphoric, like buying smaller clothes. It's actually been that I have finally allowed myself to feel good/take some credit for some of the other 'successful' things that I've done in my life. What I mean by this is, because I've felt fat for so long (about ten years), all I could think about was how pathetic I was. If someone were to tell me, but you're a great wife/daughter/sister, you have a great career, or you invest money well, I immediately discounted it with, "Well it doesn't matter...I can't enjoy or appreciate anything when I am so fat and ugly."

I am well aware that everyone has flaws. I am not saying that being overweight is the worst flaw of all, but I do think that people who are overweight have the added burden of having their flaw be so visible. You can't hide being overweight. Everyone can see it, and some people make judgements because of it...many of which they think you can't hear or pick up on, but do.

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I love the Biggest Loser. I really, really do. The people on the show motivate me so much. I know that humans have a tendency to take the path of least resistence. I am no different. When I start to pant too hard on the treadmill, I either decrease my incline/speed or just stop. When I'm tired and want to go home, I do a half-hearted quick workout. What I've realized from watching the show is that if a 300-pound man can hop on the recumbent bike and pedal harder, faster and longer than me- than I can too. I realize that while it's great to give myself credit for what I do (i.e.- at least I'm trying, I've already lost 25 pounds, everyone needs a break sometimes, etc.), that there is a time to baby myself, and there is a time to push myself. So one day a week I've started pretending I'm on the show. I work out longer and harder on those days.

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Last point (I promise). Today I bought a third weight set in 2 years. Why so many? Oh...because you know, I'm a clean freak. Everytime I buy one and then don't use it for 6 months, I give it away to the Salvation Army. Then I get motivated again and buy another one, only to have that one sit for a few months before the clean freak in me gives that away too. This time, I SWEAR, I'm gonna keep it use it. It's really a sick feeling having to buy the exact same weight set three damn times.

Anyone know a good tat artist?

I'm thinking about getting a neck tattoo. At this point, my only dilemna is whether to go with a pitbull (design) or a pair of dice. I'm leaning toward the pitbull. It should not only cover up my neck scar better (the reason for the tat), but it should also give me some mad street cred in my hiz-ood.

I don't really want a neck tattoo, but the way I see it, I don't have much choice. You see, about 7 months ago a surgeon made an incision in my neck to remove what he said was a benign growth...only there was nothing there. So yeah, big whoopsie! Now thanks to that little mix up, I get to sport a visible red 3-inch scar on the side of my neck.

What makes my scar extra "special" is that because scar tissue has really built up on each side of the incision, it now strongly resembles- a vagina!!! Yes, that's right people, feel free to call me vagina neck!!!

I had no idea I had a vagina neck until a few weeks ago when both my brother and husband decided to break their silence. Apparently, they didn't want to tell me for months for fear I wouldn't "take it well." YOU THINK?!?!!!!

Oh well...truth be told, I probably deserve it. You see, while most people today tend to see me as all that is holy and good, I was not always this way. Hard to believe, I know! In reality, I used to frequently torment friends by poking fun at their weaknesses. I remember tormenting my poor, self-conscious teammate for months after she had somehow contracted tuberculosis. I would do things like call her up and say, "Hey, watch any good TB lately? Oh wait! Did I say TB? I meant TV! BA....HA! HA! HA!

So yeah, I figure this labia on my neck is karma. As they say, payback's a bit&#!

Fockerphobia

I love Focker dearly, but ever since he started nursing school his germophobia (aka Fockerphobia) has only gotten worse. Whenever we go out, I am constantly interrupted/jolted by his fierce whispers of, "Ack! Don't touch that! Do you know how many people touched that today?!!!" It's funny watching him meet other people too. He'll seemingly happily shake their hands/embrace them and then grimace, run to the car and instantly demand that I hand him the antibacterial lotion.

He has also kindly tried to enlighten me on the correct way someone should use a public restroom (it goes without saying that he will only use one under the most dire circumstances):

1. Once you exit the bathroom stall, grab a paper towel.
2. Use the paper towel to turn on the water spigot.
3. Wash your hands furiously with soap. Repeat if needed.
4. Rinse your hands and then grab another fresh paper towel to turn off the water spigot.
5. Grab another paper towel to wipe your hands, and then grab yet another one to use to open the door to exit the restroom.
6. Prop the door open with your foot and aim the paper towel you just used to open the door at the trash can and hope for the best.

Ta-da! You haven't touched a thing!!!

Though I am very impressed by his efforts, he has sadly pointed out (with much head shaking and disapointment) that even though he takes great pains to not touch anything "disgusting", that many strains of germs and bacteria are still able to seep right through the "paper towel barriers" anyway.

I nearly had a heart attack when he also informed me that germophobes don't flush public toilets with their hands. For those of you who have been living with me under a rock- apparently, they use their FEET to do this!!! Eew! Eew! Eew! I was in complete disbelief about this until the next day, when I actually heard the girl in the stall next to me slap her foot up on the toilet handle and flush it. I nearly vomited all over myself knowing that I've been touching shoe poo for years and never even knew it!!!

I'm not sure I know any other techniques germophobes employ and I'm not so sure I want to. If you do know of any though, please share!

McDonald's...are you hiring?

Thanks to a series of unfortunate events this month such as me running up our cell phone bill ($180) and Nurse Focker's brief stint as a race car driver (which earned him a ticket that should cost about $150-200), the cupboards are officially bare in the Focker household. I would visit the local food bank but powdered milk, Tang and canned green beans aren't really my thing. Now if they were handing out Pringles or white chocolate macadamia nut cookies- well that would be another story.

Other than the threat of losing our electricity, all is well. I'm back on track with the healthy eating and have already lost the weight I had regained. Lord knows I should have actually lost another pound or two, but I found these delicious and inexpensive fresh turkey burgers and portabello mushroom soy burgers from Trader Joe's that are rocking my world right now.

I KNOW I'm not supposed to LOVE food this much but if you've been to a Trader Joe's, you will understand why this is not only possible, but required. I am so enamoured with Trader Joe's right now that I've even visited their webpage to see about investing in them or possibly working there someday. It's not like we don't need the extra cash. Unfortunately, it's a negative on both.

#1 - I think they're privately held and not franchised.

#2- They have extremely limited job opportunities (bagging groceries, entry level management) .

#3- And most importantly, they have some cornball navigation theme, i.e.- each store has a "Captain" (Manager), "First Mate" (Asst. Manager), and a bunch of other "Merchant" crew members or some cheesy crap like that.

Honestly- who thinks up this stuff? Do they really think they're fooling anybody? If I get hired to bag groceries and someone refers to me as a "bag girl" am I really to correct them by standing tall, smoothing down my uniform and boldly pronouncing, "Oh no... you've got it all wrong, Mrs. Wilson!!! I'm not a bagger! I'm a merchant crew member! And that over there is Mr. Jones, my Captain!" I. Don't. Think. So.

I don't mean to be bitter or look down on anyone who does enjoy that sort of thing. I've just never been a very good rah-rah-rah employee. At my last employer (which was an otherwise great company) they would force us to do things like attend "Yes Meetings." I'll spare you the details, but I will say that it involved plenty of fist pumping and boisterous shouting. Whenever one was called, I usually hid in the bathroom and washed my hands. Five times. I thought this was a rather ingenious strategy until my coworker "friends" caught on to this and would have me PAGED so that I had to suffer alongside with them.

So a stint at Trader Joe's is out. So is Wal Mart- I've seen their "associates" have to do some foot stomping and hollering in team meetings. Guess that leaves the Golden Arches!

Weight Loss Update (its not pretty)

Over the last seven months I have done fairly well in my quest to lose weight. About a week ago, I even hit the 25-pound weight loss mark.

Yee-haw. Whoopie. My joy has been extremely short-lived, because I have since gained back 3-4 pounds.

Despite my very best efforts to avoid the seduction of dieting (restricting my diet in a short-term manner that I would be unlikely to comfortably maintain in the "real world") and instead work on developing long-term healthier lifestyle choices- I have been unsuccessful thus far in developing habits that are able to stand the test of outside factors.

What I mean by this is, I have learned over the last 7 months that whenever I am operating in my normal, day to day "bubble", i.e.- experiencing normal stress levels at home and work, planning/eating my meals in advance at home, keeping track of how many glasses of water I drink each day, not going out to eat at celebratory parties/dinners with friends and family- I am okay. But the minute I venture outside of that bubble into a more unpredictable and uncontrollable enviroment, in this case- high work stress, time-consuming business deals, eating out with friends, sleeping less, business trips with unlimited delicious food- suddenly, I am thrown off. I get so caught up in what I'm doing that without meaning to, I quickly and conveniently disregard all my new "habits" and revert back to the old ones.

I know this is the absolute worst thing I should do, but I need to get it off my chest so I can move on- I feel pathetic whenever this happens. I am so dismayed that I'm 31 years old with everything a girl could ask for, but can't for the f*&#ing life of me pull away from food. I can summarize my dilemna to this one simple point- I do splendidly well avoiding food, but when faced with it, I crumble.

I make NO excuses for my behavior over the past few weeks. Even as it all unfolded, I was cognizant that for the first time in 7 months, my diet and exercise committment had been dropped from the #1 focus in my life, to #3 or #4. In this case, because I've been stressed, instead of using my downtime at home to relax and refocus (I have learned it is critical to be this way when confronting a serious behavioral addiction), I was instead stressed, tired, and irritable. This set the stage for me to feel "too tired" to give my diet and exercise the priority it deserved and needed. Bottom line- I allowed myself to eat more and exercise less. And for me, this translated into a highly depressing 3-4 pound weight gain.

I am consistently faced with the fact that the simple act of identifying my psychological, chemical (cravings) and environmental triggers are simply half the battle. The other more grueling half is actually conquering them.

If I've learned one thing over the past 7 months, it's to not get frustrated or depressed over a couple of bad days. I refuse to give up and go back to where I was 7 months ago. I have learned to love myself and my life far too much to throw it all away over some f*&^#ing Trader Joe's cinnamon twists or whole wheat pretzels. I refuse to be held hostage by the fear that I'll gain the weight back and hate myself again. As soon as I log off, I'm gonna pick out an exercise DVD and feel the burn. I'm coming back.

TV Trash Talk

I don't like it when other bloggers waste a whole entry talking in great detail about their favorite TV shows. I feel robbed somehow. Don't they know I had to click on my mouse TWO whole times in order to view their webpage???!!!

Anyway, that being said, I'd like to talk about my favorite tv shows today. TV is somewhat new to me. Having grown up in a home where we had NO cable or remote control (yes I know, I should have reported them to Child Protective Services, but what can I say? I'm a compassionate, giving person), all I ever got to see was the free channels filled with commercials. So I never really got into TV and rarely watched it for 30 years.

That all changed when we got digital cable and TiVo.

TiVo friggen rocks.

Right now, I am watching:

1. Girls Next Door (I love Hef's girls!!! I want to be one! I want to be one!)
2. Desperate Housewives (love Bree, can't stand ditzy, clumsy Susan)
3. Extreme Makeover Home Edition (reminds me I have a heart)

But my favorite show right now is (surprise surprise)...The Biggest Loser!!! I never watched the first season, but I secretly love the men's team and am rooting for them to win (please don't tell Oprah or Maya Angelou).

I used to watch Wife Swap, but it lost it's fun. See, I used to watch it mainly so I could point out to Roy how crazy and neurotic other wives are and what a gem he has. But "apparently" (and this seems grossly unfair to me, men get "tired" of having to compliment their chubby, insecure wives 24 hours a day. ?????????????????? Doesn't make sense to me either.

So yes, I've gone over to the dark side and am watching the Devil's tool. Next thing you know I'll be posting Days of Our Lives updates and basing my emotional state on whether or not my favorite character ever wakes up from her coma.

Why I don't got da bling bling

Part of me has always felt that there is a good reason I am not rich. This is because then everyone would hate me. Not out of jealousy exactly, but because I'd be absolutely obnoxious. I wouldn't handle it well. I can pretty much guarantee that if I won the lottery tomorrow, all you'd get would be successive postings of topics like: me bitching about having to wait 6 months for a new Louis Vuitton bag, me bitching about how my new Aston Martin has lost its new leather smell, me bitching about how no matter how much I scream at my Nicaraguan maid, she STILL doesn't blot all the water droplets off my salad's lettuce leaves! Yeah, it wouldn't be pretty...

When Roy and I went on this trip across Europe we hit nearly every castle and palace in the land. At each and every castle I would wait till the room emptied out, stand at the top of the grand staircase, and then beg Roy to blow on a fake bugle in the air to announce my arrival before 'escorting' me down the stairs. He was mortified, but I REALLY perfected my 'royal wave' on that trip and think he should appreciate that fact.

So I have to say, God made a really good call making me a working stiff. It keeps me grounded and humble. Well, time to go...I have to go and wake up Roy from his slumber. I'm tired and need a neck rub with some lavender oil.

Roy - My Workout Buddy

Roy has always been naturally thin. If he gains a few pounds, it's usually because he really deserves it (I've seen him scarf 12 tacos in one sitting). However, once he realizes he's put on a few pounds, he'll usually shed them in a few weeks because as he puts it, "All you have to do is cut your food portions in half." Well isn't that dandy!!! Why hadn't I thought of that?! Bee-otch.

This is perhaps why Roy is a very dear spouse, but a somewhat crappy workout partner. Here's the routine we go through on a weekly basis:

1. I coax him to put down his textbook of women's crotches and come work out with me.

2. He eventually grudingly consents (most people do...if you've never heard me whine and badger, you would understand why).

3. He grimaces throughout most of the workout and then looks vastly relieved when it's done.

Today was no exception. I got him to agree to do some Tae Bo with me since we ate a lot at lunch. I figured it would be really hard for him to be half-assed about it when you've got Billy Blanks screaming at you with elderly and handicapped people in the background working out harder and faster than you are.

So I was rather shocked to turn around and repeatedly see Roy doing half-hearted punches with a bored experssion on his face. He later claimed it was because he hurt his back halfway through. I am sure that's true, but trust me- he was throwing wimpy granny punches waaaay before that. In fact, I think he may be the only person in the world to have done a 45-minute high impact Tae Bo workout and have only burned one calorie.

I guess I really shouldn't complain. He is trying after all, and he's not the chubby one in this relationship. Nevertheless, I think I'll try and motivate him by getting him a new wardrobe of spandex outfits this Christmas. If that fails, I'll try dangling a taco in front of him.

Greeeeen acres is the place to be! Greeeen acres is the place for me!!!

Longtime, faithful readers (hi Roy!!!) might remember that back in early August, I was bereft and despondent over not getting some land. What happenned was this, when we were back home in August, we listed our humble abode there. Despite our disgruntled tenant's best efforts to sabotoge this by telling EVERYONE who even walked by the house how overpriced and crappy it was (apparently this was his *special thanks* for our severely undercharging him rent for 3 years because we liked his family), it should close in a week.

In anticipation of the home selling, we put an offer on a dream parcel of land in the rustic community of Napo'po'o of Kona, Hawaii (my hometown). Almost instantly, it was rejected and I was left to weep silently and rage at the gods for suffering such a cruel, cruel fate.

Nonetheless, we clung to hope, resubmitted the offer less one contingency, rode out over two months of the seller's hesitancy to sell- and finally got an official acceptance a few days ago! YAY! Here's what this means (please note that the next paragraphs will be full of bragging and boasting...however, keep in mind that I'm chubby, have bad skin, was never asked to Prom in high school, am now dead broke, and currently live in the 'hood, so in the end, it all balances out):

The 2-acre parcel (as pictured above) is about 300 yards away from a trail that leads down to Kealakekua Bay, which is a protected marine preserve and coral reef, the Hikiau Heiau (ancient temple), and Pu'u Honua O'Honaunau (historic "City of Refuge" for Hawaiians who sought protection from a punishment of death on its hallowed grounds). The area is a haven for tourists and locals who want to escape the "hustle and bustle" of town and go snorkeling and kayaking. Though it's about 30-60 minutes from town depending on traffic, it was always a favorite area of mine as a child because of its quiet, rustic nature and spectacular ocean views. What's kind of neat is that we've been told that the title of the land will go directly from the King of Hawai'i, to the sellers, to us. I don't know about you, but I think this probably makes me some form of royalty now, and I'm sure granting me a title is not entirely inappropriate.

The land already has mature mango and avocado trees on it, and really, has only one flaw- there is a giant, and I do mean huge, cell phone tower on the lot below ours. Apparently the guy who owns it gets paid a TON of $$$ each month for leasing it to US Cellular, despite pissing off the entire community (he's a lawyer, it's to be expected) by granting them the lease. We're hoping that over the next ten years it will either be moved, rendered obsolete or get nicked by an angry neighbor's chainsaw so that we don't have to look at it. In a sense, we can't hate it too much, since if the tower wasn't there, we would never have been able to afford it. We also figured that even if it never leaves, we will still have a 75% unobstructed view of the ocean. Considering that my current home faces a road that is frequented by drag racers at night, has plenty of litter and is home to little girls that throw rocks at me- I can't complain.

The community is actually very agricultural. The 3-acre lot below ours (with the cell tower) is a lychee farm. The 5-acre lot on the left is a macadamia and coffee farm, and then there's us...I'm quite sure we'll have at least one plant on the property that we don't kill. Gotta be able to bond with the neighbors after all! Anyway, so there you have it. Someday, the Lost Hawaiian will go home and be able to chant, dance the hula and become one with nature, if only I knew how.

Hoarding and cleansing...hoarding and cleansing...ahh.

I'm back from the city of LBC, home of Snoop D-O-double G!!! Word.

I had a great time in Long Beach. If you put a cheap person in an exhibit hall full of vendors shoving free stuff at you, who wouldn't? Sure, sure, it's a bunch of tchotchkes (is that how you spell it? My Polish is a little rusty), but its still loads of fun. That is, until I go home and realize that I've hauled back 4,000 post-it note pads, highlighters, candles, candy, stuffed animals, toothbrushes, books, stress balls, etc.

So you can see why my initial glee is rather short lived, as the minute I get home I realize that the battle of hoarding vs. obsessive cleanliness has now begun. In the end, for me at least, cleanliness always wins. In true Mother Earth Public Enemy #1 fashion, I end up tossing out 75% of it the next day.

I love my annual trip to Long Beach. Every year I get to stay at the Hyatt in a large room with a king-size bed all to myself. At night I usually stand in the large window and stare down at the beach and city lights. There's something about staring down at a large metropolitian area that fills me with energy and warmth. I can't wait to get out of the 'hood and into NYC. I'm gonna start practicing some herky jerky tinman moves and stock up on silver body paint so I can move there sooner.

Revelations for Chubby People...Part I

Due to the overwhelming response of requests over the last few months(at last count, three requests) for more of my weight loss wisdom, I am pleased to share a few more gems with you. If I haven't shared this previously, over the last 3 months or so, I've been totally focused on reading books about the psychology of overeating. So far I've read nine books, today I came up with two gems that are meaningful to me:

#1- Though I like to blame my 'frugality' on growing up poor, the reality is, I did not grow up poor. Not really anyway. My parents supported four kids and my grandmother on two teachers salaries in Hawaii. So while on occasion my parents did utter the popoular phrases, "Finish everything on your plate" and "Don't waste food, there are starving kids in China," they really cannot be blamed for my inability to leave some bread in the bread basket or food on my plate at restaurants.

Nonetheless, this is where I find myself... A few days ago, however, I read this- if your fear is that by not eating food you are 'wasting it'- by eating it, you are also wasting it. This is because your body does NOT need it. They are wasted calories. So either way, you're wasting the food... But only one of those ways expands your waistline, the other does not.

Without trying to sound too much Keanu Reeves- whoa. Good stuff.

#2 - Along those lines, one of my biggest challenges is when delicious food is available to me in unlimited quantities. I have no trouble declining cheap, crappy food (though one would never guess looking at my flabby arms). But as evidenced by my behavior at the $55 a head poolside dinner buffet in Palm Springs this weekend- I have trouble around good food.

And again, this is what I read- Free delicious food is NOT FREE. It has a HIGH price for our waistline.

Cool. I got it. I leave for two days tomorrow to Long Beach so I'm hoping to try and implement the lessons learned.

Before I forget, I've been meaning to thank each and every person who has taken the time to send me a comment over the last few weeks. They are very, very meaningful to me and I appreciate the kind words immensely. Thank you!

Also, I am looking for a weight loss buddy to correspond with. I am too lazy to haul my butt down to group meetings or anything like that, so I hoping to find someone to share weight loss challenges and successes with in a more personal forum (i.e. email). If anyone is interested, please drop me a line!

Feng shui and yoga is for sissies...I've recentered and I'm back!

Whew...after hearing about the shocking, devastating breakup of Paris & Paris over the weekend, I didn't think anything could get me to feel at one with the world again.

Thankfully, the beauty of Palm Springs rejuvenated me! Well, that and a minor risk I took a few days ago that paid off- I got a new bathing suit on Ebay! If you're wondering why this is a risk, you gotta remember- I'm chubby. AND CHEAP. FYI- cheap, chubby people DO NOT buy clothes sight unseen. But I had no choice. I'd been hunting for weeks to find a new suit to replace my granny one but all the stores were already out, so I turned to Ebay. Even the ones online were about $35, but I got incredibly lucky and got a brand new Tommy Hilfiger one for a whopping $8.24, including shipping!!!

I would post a picture of myself modeling it, but really...I don't want to break up happy marriages or provide too much tempation for all you hot, single guys (or gals too...I tend to have that effect on straight women). I am sure there are plenty of folks out there who are really, really digging a manic, chubby, self-absorbed Asian girl with a tendency to hoard.

So relaxing in Palm Springs and my new bathing suit have made me very happy- which means that Roy has reaped the benefits of my newfound benevolent nature. When he got home tonight at 8:30 he was served a candle light dinner of shrimp cocktail, barbecue ribs, and some freshly made peanut butter cookies. And boy did I get a special thank you (though really, it should be private...wink wink, I don't mind sharing it with you all)- I got to wash all his dirty dishes!!! The minute after he wolfed all his food down, he grabbed his pink highlighter and buried his nose in a textbook. Though he WAS kind enough to show me what he was studying- in this case, it was a slide by slide pictorial of a woman giving birth. All I can say after having seen it is this:

#1- If I ever give birth someday, I'm scheduling an appointment for a Brazilian wax BEFORE the big day. How embarassing.

And #2- The placenta is gross. When it came out, I thought it was the head of an unexpected decapitated twin. Roy informed me otherwise. Eew. Mad props to you fathers who watched this voluntarily.