I woke up this morning and for whatever reason, felt Herculean. I was determined to run further than I had two weeks ago (seven miles). So I did. And though I felt great afterwards (ran eight miles), I didn't really feel that familiar burst of emotion/pride on my final lap. I think the reason for that is threefold-
1. I ran further in the race last weekend. And it's difficult to top a race performance (where you are fueled by adrenaline, aid stations and people cheering you on).
2. It's getting hotter. It makes jogging a lot less pleasant.
3. I was a little frustrated by the thought of having to top that run with an even longer run next weekend. I've said this all along- it has never been my goal to become a jogger. Though I have found that there is nothing, and I do mean NOTHING that feels better than being able to say "I jogged ___ miles today" - it still is not my passion. So the thought of having to jog nine miles next weekend kind of depressed me.
So once again, I've decided to scale back. While I have no intention of stopping completely, my plan is to continue jogging one day each week, but for only 5 miles or so. It's still a good distance I can easily work up from for future races, but not so time consuming/intimidating. Before I made this decision, however, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just wimping out (which I have a tendency to do). So I asked myself the following:
Will I regret not being more competitive in future half marathons?
Maybe a little, but not really. I entered the first one just for kicks and never intended to work myself up to nearly jogging the whole second one. I don't care if a few (okay A LOT) of seniors continue to whup my butt.
Will I regret not having worked competed in a marathon someday?
Again, maybe a little, but I've come to realize that being able to run 26.2 miles requires a lot of time, energy, discomfort and dedication. And because running is not my #1 passion, it would seem odd to commit to doing one.
Why do I want to stop hitting new running accomplishments? It is just laziness?
You know, I am sure part of it is. But if I continue to keep adding mileage each week, it will become a very time consuming activity that is really not all that fun for me. And though it's hard to accept that I will no longer be breaking any new ground on the track, I know I have to do more of what I enjoy in order to sustain this lifestyle over the long haul.
Why do I feel so guilty then?
For whatever reason (likely insecurity), I often feel the need to ratchet up a 'major fitness accomplishment'- like running a marathon, hiking across the state or getting my spinning certification. It's almost as if I feel like I have to validate myself and my efforts to others with one big, noteworthy accomplishment. I feel flaky/manic everytime I want to try a new form of exercise.
Stupid, isn't it? But I bet a lot of others in my position probably feel this way too. I want to free myself to pursue whatever I want (karate, hula, hiking , paddling, yoga, weights, Pilates, swimming, biking, running, kickboxing, aerobics, stepping, walking, etc.) without any second thoughts. There is nothing wrong with being a jack of all trades, master of none. After all, as long as I'm still out there- I'm winning, right?
5 comments:
Definately go with your heart! I was in your situation a few years ago when I ran 6 miles for the first time! I am not a jogger though and given my loose joints, I was just begging for injuries.
I had to accept that yoga is the wellness activity that pulls my heart. I still jog once in a while and do cadio on at the gym, but I let go of the marathon idea a while ago. When I accomplish new steps in my personal yoga practice, I find that the only person I share it with is my husbandl sometimes I just keep it to myself .... though, I have to admit that I did spend quite a number of years showing off my new found strength in crazy yoga postures, but the need for validation passed and it became my private journey. There also the fact that the 'yoga tricks' become less visibly impressive after some time. No one would be very impressed by watching me breathe deeply and meditating.
Whatever you do, do it for yourself and not for anyone else. I think doing things to impress others is part of what leaves us with an empty feeling when we've accomplished it. Like, wasn't I supposed to feel great about myself now? Sounds like you are on the right track.
I think the goal is to work exercise into a daily part of the rest of your life, like overeating. Miles and speed are just fake goals to fool your mind into thinking that you are actually getting somewhere.
The most irritating thing about weight/fitness is that you can never be done.
Atmikha
Dang right your winning!
Follow your desires and you will always be where your heart and joy are :)
Hi Josie:
Linked to this from the fatguywalking website.
I am somewhere around 200 lbs, and for any female, this is just too big. I used to be a collegiate swimmer, on scholarship, and went All-American - ok, I'll stop with the Ted Bundy bragfest - my point is, that within 10 years of being there, I went from a lifetime size 4 to a 16, and still growing.
I hate running, also. I hate working out. I always feel tired, I know I am lazy, and I completely empathize with your comments about laziness and running.
Getting fat is easy apparently; it's losing weight that is hard. Everything we associate with having fun involves food and alchohol. And I'm not blaming advertisers for this association. If good food and beer were no fun, there just simply wouldn't be any more commercials. The truth is, we both reward and punish ourselves with food and alchohol.
Yeah, I know, going hiking and camping and roller-blading, bike-riding and all that jazz is supposed to be fun - but it's not the same kind of fun to me, and I am no outdoorsy granola chick. To me, those last examples are altruistic: the Everyman guide to real physical fitness and emotional durability. Well that's crap. I hate bugs, I usually only run when chased these days, and the idea of sleeping outdoors in a tent when my perfectly comfy broken in couch complete with remote and climate control room is chanting hypnotically at me after a full 10 hour work day.
I think what you are doing requires extreme discipline - to do something you know you don't enjoy - that takes guts. And to maintain it daily is Herculean on my effort scale.
I wish you the best of luck. I really do. I hope you can make this a permanent change, cause that's what the experts say you need to do. I envy those who enjoy the gym, plain tuna fish and steamed veggies. I envy those whose idea of a party is "cheat day" and even then they make their pizza with fat-free cheeses, dark green veggies and whole wheat crust.
I wish I could be like them, and really like that stuff - but I don't. I hate that stuff. I am with Emeril Legasse - PORK FAT ROCKS! And Paula Dean - MORE BUTTER PLEASE! Beer and wings are the only way to watch a football game, and Friday night is synonymous with Miller Time! It never ceases to amaze me when someone has to go to the gym before happy hour? *incredulously* What the crap is up with that? There are deep fried mushrooms and cheese stuffed jalepenos to gobble people! So shelve the nikes, put away the protein powder and lets order some fried mac-n-cheeese!
I think the bottom line here is that the idea of permanently giving up these things we love is just too deep a committment. We all secretly hope to be that grandpa from Grumpy Old Men, smoking a pack of Camels and eating nothing but Bacon sandwiches and still be thin, making it to 97 with our full wits about us. We just don't consider premature death as a cause and effect scenario when we over eat and over drink or smoke.
I think that AA is evidence of this unwillingness for permanent committments when their mantra is "one day at a time" - AA knows that if alchies thought that they could NEVER have the booze again, their would be less of a success rate. Words like forever, permanent, and no second helpings stir the "the heck with this" emotion in all of us, and we drop the effort like the plague and waddle away from the mention of those words.
But maybe if we think of our effort as just for today, and we accept our failures as only for today we could always have the promise of that tomorrow, when things can and will get better.
My french fry enriched butt needs to take a lesson from you. I can't fortify my body with fried chicken and mashed potatoes and expect to fit on amusement park rides.
I think it is all about the motivation, and listening to people like you, who are really like me, try so hard to change is extremely encouraging.
I'll check back later to see how you are doing, and I hope to find you well, winning the war against Wendy's! Run as far as you'd like, or as far as you can!
Just take it.... one day at a time.
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