Dat's Fester's Daddy!!!

Once in awhile, every woman's husband does something that really kind of embarasses them. Perhaps they might fart or burp obnoxiously at a dinner party, be grouchy toward their wife's father, or they might even (hypothetically) lose their temper with the clueless cashier at the KTA grocery store in Kona while she ever-so-slowly changes her register tape because he hasn't yet realized that his LA white-man 'hurry the f**k up' attitude doesn't quite fly in the islands...

In any case, I'm willing to bet that no other woman has ever had to watch their man totter around in their brand new, very short, nut-hugging maternity shorts at an outdoor hotel swimming pool.

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up... On Thursday evening Roy and I belatedly realized that he had this weekend off, so we hurriedly booked a trip to Vegas and took off on Friday at noon. Once we got to our hotel, we realized that they had one of the most kick-a** pools ever. It's a new $30 million pool that wraps around a 200,000 gallon shark tank. Winding above and right through the tank is a 3-story tall slide that actually goes right through the middle of the shark tank- so you can see the sharks all around you as you swish on down.

Naturally, once we saw this...Roy had to do it. This is a man who cannot resist jumping into a pretty body of water- swimsuit be damned. I've seen him jump into Russia's freezing Lake Baikal, Egypt's Red Sea (camel carcass floating nearby), jump off a 45-foot cliff at the Big Island's South Point, float in a snake-filled river in Thailand's Chiang Mai province...most of those times in his skimpy boxer briefs because he had no shorts with him.

So the 40-degree Las Vegas weather was no exception... Roy wanted to go down that slide and I'll be damned if I wasn't gonna help him do it. Since we didn't think the hotel staff would dig a thirty-something year-old male walking around in wet, clingy, boxer briefs, we figured we had to run out and buy him a swimsuit. My fear was that his unit would either slip out the bottom of his boxers or flop through that little pee-hole in the front right at the moment he passed a group of frolicking 10-year olds...and he would be immediately arrested for public nudity (you know...again).

So we immediately hit every tourist shop in a 200-yard radius, but after 4-5 shops, came up with nothing. We were starting to think it wasn't going to happen when suddenly, Roy's dejected face lit up and he asked me if I still had my workout bag in the car (I did). He wisely pointed out that he could probably squeeze into my gym shorts. So while he took off like a rocket to get them and then change into them at the pool, I went up to the hotel room to get him a robe and slippers. About 10 minutes later as I was walking back to the pool, he called me from the changing room sounding a little befuddled, "Hmmm...I dunno. Something about these shorts are wierd. They have like, a really high waist for some reason, and they're kinda short, I'm not sure if I--" I interrupted him and exuberantly shouted, "Ahhhh, who cares?! If they're high, just pull 'em down, then! You're only gonna wear 'em for a minute or two!!!"

And then right at that moment- he walked out of the changing room. And as constipated as I've been, I about near shat myself. Because I'd forgotten I'd just replaced my normal workout gear with my first pair of foldover maternity shorts. And homeboy had them pulled all the way up instead of folding them over. So they nearly reached his nipples, while at the same time tightly hugging his testes. I nearly collapsed onto the cold wet concrete while I wordlessly pointed at him and laughed. I think I was speechless for about five minutes straight.

He was of course in near hysterics himself and a great sport about it. He even asked that I take this picture of him in them. But best of all- he rocked that friggen' slide. He flew down three times! You can even see him waving at me in this last photo.

So yeah, that's my man, bi**hes! Wearing my black, foldover maternity shorts. Stay away from Fester's daddy!!!

Here are a few other photos of me from our trip of that are a bit less sexier than Roy's... All of them are at my favorite hotel in Vegas (The Bellagio), since they have the best seasonal displays EVER.

Happy Early New Year's!

Fester the wiggly carrot

Now that I'm about 21 weeks, my Baby Center report says that our former blueberry is now:

"...about 3/4 of a pound and approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. If you're having a girl, her vagina is formed now, though it will continue to develop until birth" (hmm, I'm not sure this was necessary information, but thanks anyway!).

I think the biggest change I've noticed over the past 2-3 weeks has been how much I feel Fester moving and wiggling about each day, and how much I've really, and I do mean REALLY started to show. Surprisingly, I don't mind how much my tummy pops out, it's actually pretty fascinating...I just mind how big my butt and thighs have gotten! (I'm no anatomy genius, but I'm pretty sure the baby doesn't grow down in those areas).

Thus far, I've found it to be fairly convenient to mark my pregnancy by two-month periods-

Months 1 & 2- I am invincible. Almost cocky. No symptoms to speak of. I won't get tubby! Oh no! Not me! Not after working so hard to lose 50 pounds! I'm going to keep running until I give birth! Look at me, everybody! I just ran a marathon! And I haven't gained an ounce yet! I can still fit my clothes! Those other women are pu**ies!!! Thank God I'm a...CHAMPION!!!

Months 3 & 4- Starting to feel pukey all day. Screw the gym. Man this sucks. And I can't believe I have to go to work everyday! I'm soooo tired from getting up all night to pee! This is just soooo wrong. I think I'm the ONLY pregnant woman who's ever had to work! It's such a CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD!!! Hot damn I wish I could take a crap. My legs and boobs also itch like a mutha! I've got to stop scratching like a dog all day! It looks like I had sex with Edward Scissorhands! Hmm...also starting to have strong cravings and an insatiable appetite. I can't decide what I want more for breakfast- french fries or nachos. I know!!! I'll have BOTH! And then I'll lay down for 5-6 hours and watch TiVo'd Oprah episodes! I hope Roy brings me Tater Tots between episodes!

Month 5- Good God!!! How did I gain 18 pounds in 2-3 months?! Man, I suck! What a loser! I really need to go to the gym again-- hey! Is that pasta?!!! I want two bowls!!! I haven't eaten in 30 minutes! Roooooy! Stop laughing at me when I try and lay down!!! It's HARD!

So to say I'm terrified is a gross understatement. I've felt better now for two weeks (more energy, no nausea), but do you think this has translated into heading back into the gym or a reduced intake? No.... No, it has not. Thankfully, I've managed to do one thing- which is to stop eating the massive amounts of horrible crap I was shoveling down my gullet for awhile. I'm back to eating fairly healthy, I just need to get my butt into the gym more than once a week and do more than sit on a bench and stare sadly into a mirror at my growing bat wings.

Wish me luck folks...momma's gonna need it. :-(

All things blue...

...Here's blue! We couldn't believe how clear some of the ultrasound images were! I don't know about you, but I think the blueberry already looks supremely laid back and cool... All he's missing is a pair of stunna shades.

This Saturday while Roy was at work I surprised him by converting half of our office into the baby's room! It took a lot more work than I'd anticipated. First I had to go to the store to get a mattress, sheets, curtains, etc. and then haul it all home, wash them, move some furniture into the garage, reorganize the garage to fit it (it's the one part of the house that Roy insists is his 'domain' and I'm not normally allowed to mess with or he lays the smack down on my a**), set up all the clothes and toys, etc. It took all day to do only because I was also doing three loads of laundry, cooking (cream of corn and potato soup, beef stroganoff), baking (three batches of Christmas bark), and uh...watching a two-hour recap of the first two seasons of The Hills! So very important stuff.

We still have the other half of the room left to do (which requires moving our computer desk, chair out into the garage, reassembling the laptops elsewhere, forking up the cash to get a space-saving all-in-one printer/scanner/fax, dragging in our large rocking chair recliner, etc.). I want to get it all done today, but Roy is protesting. He claims we still have over 4 months to get all of this done (quite true....quite true), but he should also know better than to mess with a nesting, pushy mama bear that is fully prepared to whine and pout until I get my way. However, in the spirit of the holidays, I am fully prepared to compromise with him and agree to hold off on the project until...you know, sometime...tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!!!

-Roy, Josie & Fester Chainsaw

It's a...

...BOY!!!

We're starting to think all men on both sides are incapable of producing female sperm! ;-)

Even better though- we learned that little Fester Chainsaw (I like the name 'Fester' and Roy thinks 'Chainsaw' will man up the name a little) is due around May 4th (as opposed to May 10-12)!

The 'Hapa Gone Wrong' Saga continued--

I have to comment on what Jen posted yesterday regarding my fears that we might spawn a fugly child-

You and Roy are a cute couple.
Cuteness attracts cuteness.
Cute times Cute = Cute squared!

Therefore the baby will be super cute.

The only cuteness anamoly known to man is the offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. This is better known as the "Hudson Hawk" effect.

P.S. The suspense is killing me! Can't wait!

Bwaaaaaa-ha-ha!!! Though I have to agree with Jen that I too have been utterly mystified by the anomaly that is Rumer Willis, when I shared this information with Joseph, he was quick to point out one other exception- Alexa Ray Joel, daughter of Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley. Eek.

It is for that very reason that I have such fear for my offpsring. Because the odds of Roy and I producing a little Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are very, very slim. In fact, thanks to the little blueberry's momma, they will have their work cut out for them. Because unless Roy's super sperm can overpower the supremely f**ked up genes that gave me freaky baby teeth well into my 20s and 30s, my gray hair in high school, the chubby thighs that have rubbed holes through countless pairs of shorts, acne (though thankfully, blessedly...not backne!), unruly eyebrows, the inability to score an SAT score above 1,000 (oh hell, who am I fooling...900), and my bulky, Hiroshima farm-stock build (and the appetite along with it)- then the little blueberry is pretty well screwed.

Note: I was going to add 'protruding buck teeth' to that list, but apparently mine are not the result of genetics, they are from sucking my thumb until I was like, twelve... (thanks for the excellent parenting, mom and dad!!!).

Nonetheless, my naturally warm, sunny, blessed-child-of-God disposition requires that I remain optimistic. Which is I why I harbor great hope that Roy's brain power, long legs and slim frame will somehow prevail and the blueberry may someday grace the cover of Essence magazine (yes, I'm aware that we're not African-American, but I'm not aware of any prominent Eurasian periodicals so I'm thinking a good, tight perm might get us a cover anyway).

Update on our...tomato

This just in from our weekly Baby Center update: Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces, and he measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. The hair on his scalp is also sprouting. (Tee hee! If that's true...this raises serious paternity issues for Roy!)

I really shouldn't even begin joking about the genetic traits we'll pass on to the blueberry right now- otherwise I'd start hyperventilating thinking about how short, chubby, impatient and whiny the baby will be, not to mention their lack of apitude for anything math, science OR arts related...all thanks to me. And we won't even get into the seriously hairy arms and legs they'd get from daddy (although at least they'd have a shot at decent SAT scores).

In actuality, a lot of people seem to think that the exact opposite will be true- that because our baby will be hapa (Hawaiian terminology for a half and half mixed race baby), or Eurasian (as the white man calls it), that they will actually be quite cute. However, as my lovely, optimistic brother Joseph likes to point out, while many hapa babies are indeed quite cute, there is always the risk of having what he calls, "a hapa-gone-wrong," which really, you know...speaks for itself. (And we wonder why he's single.)

I mean, I'm pretty sure I'll love my baby no matter what they look look like, but just think of how much MORE I'll love them if they look like a mixture of Brad Pitt & Lucy Liu!

The Bell Pepper

Pregnancy update! I'm about 18 weeks right now. And according to our weekly BabyCenter.com update, this means the blueberry is technically about the size of a bell pepper. Our formal ultrasound (where they screen for a variety of diffierent things such as whether the placenta has attached properly, possible visible birth defects, etc.) is on the 20th! Just 10 days away! However, like many expectant, nervous, first time parents (only slightly more whiny and impatient), I could care less about all those other things right now! All I want to know is the gender. I can see it now...

Nurse Practioner: Oh my goodness, I don't know how to say this nicely, but it looks like your baby has giant, Spock ears!!!

Josie: (impatient) Yeah, yeah yeah...can you just move down to their, you know...thingy-ma-bobby?!

Nurse Practioner: And oh my! Is that a fourth eye?

Josie: I'm quite sure they make special glasses for those types of things...so c'mon, damnit! Is it a BOY OR GIRL?!

Nurse Practioner: Just a sec, hon... My gosh, I've never seen a baby with fully grown armpit hair before! But more importantly, I'm not sure that your placenta has properly--

Josie: (howling) Roy!!!! GRAB THAT DAMNED WAND AND TAKE OVER!!!

I'm only kidding of course. I mean, I want to know the gender, but what Roy and I agree is always the greatest relief at each appointment is when we're able to hear the heartbeat.

As I'd mentioned earlier, we're recipients of the weekly BabyCenter.com email progress reports. Since both the godfather (my brother Joseph) and godmother (our friend KT) of the baby have never had children before, we thought it might be kind of nice to forward these weekly reports to them so they can also see how much bigger the baby gets each week.

Unfortunately, as Joseph pointed out to me a few days ago, I probably should have read each report thoroughly before forwarding each one on to him. Because while the first paragraph of each email is pretty innocent (baby's size), the second paragraph is where they typically cover all of the exciting changes to your body- things that...you probably DO NOT need your male sibling to know about.

As an example- "You should notice that your darkening aerolas have now begun to sprout little, raised bumps like mini-pimples all over the place. This is perfectly normal, mommy! And so are the engorged, red labia that you may have noticed in the shower!" or "Do not panic when your once cute, rosy, pink nipples become large, dark brown three-inch long National Geographic nipples that reach down to your belly button and itch like a mutha!!! They're beautiful and natural! Embrace them!"

Because apparently, Joseph has been reading these email reports quite thoroughly, laughing hysterically at my pain each week.

Can you rescind godparent status?

The Photo Album - Part 2

All of these pictures are from Istanbul, which we loved. This first shot is of a lamp store. Although there were dozens of these, they never ceased to take my breath away. We priced a few of them, but figured that they would probably break in transit (and that we'd find it cheaper at Cost Plus World Market anyway)!

Years ago I was convinced I wanted to fill a china hutch with dozens of beautiful, handpainted dishes from around the world. As is often the case- I have long since lost interest in doing this, but every so often I still yearn for certain vibrant pieces like these. Many of them had beautiful Arabic script on them (that for all I know said "All Americans are pig whores!!!"). Still, I wanted one.

I wish I had the time, patience and interest to cook from scratch. Though I don't, it was still fun to walk around the Spice Bazaar. It brought back warm memories of similar markets we saw in Cairo two years ago (though thankfully, these did not require that we step over sheep dung to get to them...). :-)

Ahhh...every country has an utterly sinful dessert, and Turkish Delight (lokum) was no exception! We bought back seven boxes of this stuff for friends (our favorite was the pistacchio with shredded coconut).

One night we were too lazy to talk into town for dinner (it was a good, gosh...three hundred yards away) so we decided to eat at our hotel instead. Because our hotel was the former mansion of a prominent Ottoman from the 16th centiry, the well-preserved kitchen was located downstairs and looked very much like a dungeon (made entirely of stone, dark and cave-like). However, we did not expect that we would be the *only* guests there that night (kind-a eerie). When we walked in I think we startled our poor waiter (he was like a deer in headlights).

When we asked what our first course (soup) would be, he said, "Umm, I don't know." I tried asking if it had vegetables or meat (I didn't want to eat sheep or goat), and he said "Ummm....not vegetable. Not meat. But good. You like!" (And we did.) :-)

The Photo Album - Part I

Athens, Greece - The Parthenon

In a nutshell? It was, you know...'aiight.' Unlike say, the Statue of Liberty or the Pyramids of Giza, it wasn't nearly as big as I'd envisioned, and the scaffolding (hello, offseason!!!) didn't really help. The hike up to it through Plaka was very scenic though...as was the market we walked through each day in Monasteraki, which sold everything from hundreds of birds, fresh sausages, pig heads (they're are so hard to find nowadays), fresh fruit, etc.

Meteora, Greece

Instead of flying down to the island of Santorini as planned, we decided to spend two nights in Meteora instead (central Greece). And land sakes alive...was it worth it! Not only was it the highlight of our trip, it also made our lifetime Top Ten list. 14th century monasteries perched high atop soaring meteoric-looking rocks...doesn't get much cooler than that!!!

Meteora, Greece

If you look just beyond my fat head, you can see another monastery nestled up there. This one was made famous by a James Bond flick in the 80s. Each time you wanted to see a monastery (we hiked to four out of the five main ones) you had to climb winding staircases over the rocks. This was much preferrable to the ancient way of getting up there, which was to be raised/lowered by metal basket via a pulley system.

Istanbul, Turkey - The Blue Mosque

Another highlight...the Blue Mosque. Definitely a toss up for one of the most amazing mosques we've ever seen. Just be prepared to encounter plenty of 'new friends' who are all hanging out near the exit eager to sell you a carpet at a 'great price.' ;-)

Istanbul, Turkey - Aya Sofia

One of the most fascinating architectural wonders than even I, a complete bonehead, can appreciate. As massive as this complex was, and as high as its domes soared, there were no visible columns supporting it. They're all apparently hidden within the 'ribs' (or skeleton) of the structure. Even more impressive were the large gold medallians with the Arabic calligraphy on them hanging from the walls.

Bonus Tidbits:

• I had to wear two new pairs of maternity pants on this trip (highly depressing when I packed them since I wasn't 'showing' yet...just eating too much). However, on the 2nd or 3rd night of the trip I *finally* noticed a hard bump in my stomach that became noticeably more pronounced each week! It feels like somebody stuffed a football in there!


• I didn't end up doing the much anticipated Turkish bath. Half the experience is the steam bath and I didn't want to steam broil the blueberry in the process. Child abuse and all that. Roy was vastly relieved (he was convinced that his masseuse would be some scary looking, hairy Greek guy that would sweat all over him and spend too much time scrubbing his balls). I tried to convince him that metrosexuality had its price, but he wasn't diggin' it.


• The Greeks have the best food in the world. Hands down.


• The Turks are the friendliest people we have ever encountered. EVER. But they also boast some of the priciest admission fees in the world! Their main international airport has the distinction /honor of selling the most expensive fast food in the world. We had the equivalent of $23 left to blow at the airport for lunch and thought we'd get a few meal deals at Burger King. Did we have enough cash? That would be a NO. We ended up getting one meal deal and a six-piece chicken tenders ($7.50 for the buggets alone if that gives you an idea)...we didn't even have enough cash to supersize Roy's meal so I could have more fries. No wonder Turks aren't chubby.


• Damn the weak a** dollar.