It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

The trip back to Hawaii was great, even though we never stepped onto a beach, watched a sunset or drank a mai tai! For us, a great trip to Hawaii means eating plenty of my dad's famous barbecued beef (think long, tender strips of tri tip steak marinated in shoyu, sugar, fresh ginger and honey...ahhh), thick, fresh poi for breakfast each day (I bet all you white folk are salivating now!), and spending plenty of time with my two hyperactive nephews Kenichi & Riki.

Though Riki was eventually able to accept that I did not eat Fester (Kenichi explained that the baby was like an eggplant that needed to grow before we could 'pick' it), he never did 'get' that girls are aunts, and boys are uncles. Because despite four million gentle corrections from every adult in the household, he called me "Uncle Josie" the ENTIRE trip...which did absolutely NOTHING to help allay any of my pre-existing irrational "I look like a chubby man" fears. Nonetheless, I had a great time with them and can't wait until they come up to visit this October (can you believe those two little boys have never even been to a strip club!!! Uncle Josie's gonna have to change that!!!)

Though our time in Kona was great, I have to say- we had one helluva trip home. I won't get into the details, but let's just say it included not one, but TWO calls to AAA in one night, peeing in a parking lot at 3am, and shivering under a thin airline blanket in 45 degree weather alllll night long.

I told Roy I'm getting waaaay too old and am waaaay too pregnant to keep doing these crazy things. ;-)

At home in the islands...

Alooooooha!

Last Tuesday Roy and I set off on our annual February pilgrammage to Kona. We thought we'd finally utilize the luggage allowance (since regardless of trip duration, we're 'carry-on only' kinda folk) and haul stuff back home in preparation of our move, but after tallying up what we need to take back to the islands- we realized there was no point in being pack mules since we're gonnna have to spring $5-6k for a freight container. :-(

Our first so many days here were the usual flurry of activity - only this time it was focused on moving back home (which is still over a year away, but remember- anal people like to plan early...). First we measured the downstairs studio in my parent's home (where we'll be holing up for a year or two after we get there). Then we went with my father to price flooring options, new kitchen cabinets, closet doors, extending the lanai (patio), enclosing a garage to create more storage, etc. We even went to open a checking/savings account so that The Anal One can order new checks, set up our auto payments/transfers, etc. in advance of the Big Move as well.

And on the 'fun side' we've pretty much spent all our time with our two nephews- two trips to McDonalds in two days ("I want hamburger! I want hamburger!!!"), a trip to the Keiki Farm Fair (they were as interested in an old rubber ducky on the ground as they were in the actual animals), etc. One of them (the three-year old) was initially quite adamant about wanting to see 'the baby' once we arrived, and after being told by grandma that the baby was in aunty's tummy, was horrified and croaked out, "Aunty Josie ATE the baby?!" And of course, I took offense to that and haven't spoken to him since.

Unfortunately, 4 days into the trip, Roy, my father and I fell ill. They are both much, much sicker than I, but we appear to have some type of flu/virus, and is often the case- though they both report being completely sickened by the thought of food- I have had no such luck. Fester and I continue to plow through bowls of poi like there's no tomorrow. So we've been bedridden for 2-3 days and haven't done much else.

Still, it's always nice to come back home and on this particular trip, it even gave me a glimpse of what my life will be like once we move back home in a 15-18 months. Which is to say- utterly chaotic, but full of love. ;-)

Still learning how to make lemonade...

Though I'm extremely happy/relieved that I've been working out again, I have to admit- it's hard to get excited about taking an hour to walk three miles when I used to be able to easily run ten or fifteen. It also doesn't help that the walks are quite boring (I am restricted to walking up and down the street behind my house so that I'm near a restroom) and eternally booooring.

Suffice to say, I haven't really felt like a rock star in awhile.

Which is one of the many reasons why I think my eating hasn't been going so hot. The last 3-4 days have been particularly poor. So last Friday night I hatched a plan- which was to come up with a semi-ambitious workout that was neither Josie nor Fester life-threatening, yet challenging enough that I could feel like the old me again.

So on Saturday I walked a total of 5.5 miles to a new grocery store I'd been dying to check out (Fresh & Easy). And then on Sunday, I walked a total of 8 miles to do some shopping. But as great as this was and as good as it made me feel, oddly enough- there was none of my usual fist pumping and gloating afterwards. What the....?!?!

If anything, my mood was quite somber. And this surprised me. Because believe me, if I do something great...EVERYONE is gonna hear about it. And I think in hindsight, the lack of emotion was because of this- not long after running Long Beach, I believed I truly believed I had the inner strength and desire to be that a** kicking pregnant woman who runs 3 miles a day up until her 8th month, only gains 25 pounds her entire pregnancy, and at 9 months...only looks 6 months pregnant. I mean c'mon...I was a new woman, damnit! And instead- I did the opposite. I stopped exercising for two months. I stopped running by 3-4 months. I overate. I gained about 25 lbs. before the start of my 3rd trimester. So it's hard not to feel like I've failed the 'new me' somehow.

But here's the semi-happy ending I'm trying to force upon myself since I cannot bear to end my thoughts or this post on an unhappy note- yes...I faltered. But what matters is that once again, I did get back on the horse. Which means the 'new me' did not actually fail or abandon me, she just...I dunno, a hiatus to lick her wounds and self soothe the old way (with chips and such).

So once little Fester Chainsaw makes his debut, and once I can figure out how to juggle a newborn, a job and my household- my goal is to start training to run a half-marathon in October (Long Beach), and a full-marathon the following March (Los Angeles). But even if I don't- I am determined to try my best to remember that I am not defined by my old accomplishments so much as I should be defined by my new ones.

The 1980s called...

Thanks to Fester, I have done many, many things over the past few months that I never thought I would:

Bought large, tent-like maternity blouses for work? Check!
Compulsively scratched myself in appropriate places at work when I thought no one was looking? Check!
Whined to complete strangers about the irregularity of my bowel movements? Check!

But the other day took the cake... After deciding to walk to the store in warm weather (yep folks, it's 80 degrees here in So Cal!), I realized there was no way I could fit everything I needed in my pockets- two bottles of water, my house keys, two cell phones, my ID, cash and credit cards. So because I knew a backpack would probably result in even more back pain, I decided to whip out...a waist pack!!!

Oh yeah- they still make 'em! I got one a few years ago for hiking from Eddie Bauer. (Side note: all our catalog labels from Eddie Bauer are now addressed to "Dr. Josie Meyers." This is because I had to call customer service after my package was shipped out over THREE weeks late, and since the customer service rep was being just a little too snippy/nasty with me, I felt I needed to command some respect, damnit!). In any case, because it's actually kinda cool looking, I figured so long as I strapped it with the pouch around my backside (rather than the front), it would still be acceptable (albeit barely) to wear it that way.

Unfortunately...after about 10 minutes of walking with it I realized there was waaay too much pressure from the straps on my stomach. It hurt. And I was over it. So despite being on a very busy street, I had to make the very painful decision to...swivel the waistpack back to the front.

So if you can, picture this- a short, stout and sweaty Asian woman, slowly lumbering down the sidewalk with a visibly pregnant-waddle, cursing and wearing a large waistpack around her FRONT. Absolutely ridiculous. All I was missing was the friggen' terry cloth head and wrist bands. I'm surprised no one threw trash at me. Damn you, Fester Chainsaw!!!

Just call me a butterfly

I think my blog has had four pretty distinct phases. Originally it was a "Boy-did-I-get chubby" blog. Then it became a "I-lost-the weight-but-it's-just-soooo-hard" blog before becoming a "Look-at-me-I'm-a-badass runner!" blog. And most recently, it's morphed yet again into a "I'm-pregnant...and-boy-do-your-thighs-look-delicious!" blog.

But of course, I'm okay with all of this. Because despite the physical and emotional journey it's taken me on, I've never felt more connected/at peace with my life. In hindsight, it's even been, oh I dunno...almost exciting!

Even my pregnancy has not been boring! As you know...the first couple of months were fairly uneventful. But then...well, I'll just let you all in on a little secret. Between weeks 10 - 22, I gained...twenty pounds. Yes. TWENTY. As in 2-0. But what saved me is what I've learned time and time again throughout this weight management process- which is that I'm going to stumble. Again and again. It's just my cross to bear for now (I won't tolerate forever). But because I now have a better understanding of why I gain weight (i.e.- it's not because I just really love movie theatre popcorn)- I believe I now have the tools to pick myself back up again.

In fact, I'm pleased to report that today marks the end of the 6th straight week that I have worked out every day. During this time (weeks 21 - 27), I have eaten both healthily and heartily, and have only gained 2.5 lbs. And though it probably shouldn't- this rocks my friggen' world.

Because the second most imporatant lesson I think I've learned is that the stronger I feel on the outside, the stronger I feel on the inside. So while this is probably all backwards- I accept it. Feeling this way is all the more critical given the major changes going on in our lives right now. Over the past year or so, Roy and I have had to dramatically change the way we've lived our lives over the past ten years and grapple with-

• Did we really want a baby? (Roy did initially, I needed to be convinced...very difficult to handle when you're not on the same page on this issue)
• If so, who would would more or less put their career on hold to raise the baby? (me)
• How would I deal with basically giving up the rewarding career I'd spent nearly 10 years building? (sad, codependent, like I'd let my bosses down)
• How would I deal with losing half my pay and my fairly generous vacation, sick, retirement package? (terrible)
• Could we sell our small car and buy a more Fester-friendly one? (not a problem)
• How would I deal with gaining a lot of weight after finally losing it? (hard initially...fine now)
• What would we need to get rid of stuff in the house to make room for Fester? (turned out to be quite liberating...loved purging the rarely used knick knacks and furniture!)
• Should we move back to Hawaii 3-4 years before we'd planned so Fester could be closer to family? (yes...although this comes at a terrible financial price)
• What will it be like giving up our 3 bedroom home to move back home and live downstairs in my parent's studio apartment? No more entertaining! No space! (tough to give up your privacy and independence at this age...)
• How would we come up with the $6-10k we'd need to move back home when we'd have less income and more expenses? (by selling our kidneys...still haven't figured this one out yet)
• Could we sell our home in this terrible market so we'd have the money needed to get a house in Hawaii? (probably not...again, may need to get by on one kidney each)
• Could we afford a crib, stroller, car seats, jog stroller, swing, bouncer, pack and play, bassinet, breast pump, diapers, clothes, etc.?
• How how long could Roy and I can afford to take time off from work to be with Fester? (on less than 50% of your combined income...just 3-4 weeks for Roy, and 8 weeks for me)
• Will Fester be a sickly, colicky, whiny, lactose-intolerant, diarrhea-prone, needy baby?
• Would I lose it being home by myself 4-5 days a week with Fester? (I may break down from time to time, but as long as I'm not posting pictures of me shaving m head, attacking the paparazzi with an umbrella and forgetting to wear panties...I think I'm good)
• Would I be able to resist beating Roy for his occasional complaints about what he has to give up professionally given what I feel I have to? (barely, he has a right to complain to after all...just not more than me!)
• How soon could I get back to running? Will I even be able to run a mile? Will I have the time to be able to run my first half or full marathon before the end of the year? (have no idea...but I'm sure as hell gonna try)
• Will we be able to afford a home in Hawaii? (not for awhile)

Blah, blah, blah...you get the picture. Not that I'm upset or whining about it. I consider it a blessing to be able to even have these dilemnas/choices to work through. Nonetheless, they can be frustrating and overwhelming, and I've noticed a much stronger ability to handle these decisions now that I've managed to maintain my psychological and physical health better.

So while the metamorphosis is not complete (nor will it ever be), I'm rolling with it.

Josie...Newly Certified Midwife!

For about 6-8 weeks I've noticed that on occasion- my belly gets lopsided. It protrudes to the left of center. Though it's kind of uncomfortable and disconcerting to look at it, it's not usually painful. So I've simply assumed it's a natural part of pregnancy, and that for whatever reason, Fester simply prefers to chill out my left side. No biggie.

Well this morning while driving in to work, Fester began doing his usual awkward shifting about. Only this time, it was a lot more uncomfortable than usual. So much so, that despite weaving in and out of traffic on a crowded freeway at 5:30am in the pitch black, I decided to take one hand off the steering wheel (the other one was busy holding a banana) to lift up my sweater and check to see that everything was okay.

And what I saw made me yelp. Because it looked like Fester had not only moved his ENTIRE body over to my left side, but also taken every organ and bone of mine with him. My poor stomach was now grotesquely bulging out about 4 inches more on my left side than my right. It looked like he was sticking his big head so far out that I swear, I could practically see his entire facial profile, nose hairs and all.

Sick. Just sick.

So guess what I did? I showed Fester who's boss, that's what! First I tried to sorta jiggle him back into place. But because I was firmly held in by my seatbelt, it didn't really work. And then (ding! ding! lightbulb!) I remembered reading that nursewives often have to skillfully 'readjust' babies during the labor process to help position them correctly. So I figured- heeeeey...why not me?! I have excellent fine motor skills! So I reached down, gave Fester a few good shoves over the to right...and wha-laaa!!! He was back into position!!! Problem solved. No more crooked belly.

So if you're pregnant- I'm taking house calls! ;-)