And we're off!

In keeping with my former backpacking hippie lifestyle, I have managed to fit three and half day's worth of clothing/food for Roy, Ryan and I all in one small suitcase! Whoo-hoo! Well, in all fairness, I'm picking up his diapers and wipes on Oahu...so that would have been the second checked bag. However, I swear- we each have three outfits packed so it's not like we're recycling underwear or anything...we just pack light. And believe it or not, I pack lighter than Roy.

I'm sure the airline agent will be impressed (and if she doesn't appear to notice, I'm sure I'll point it out to her). I just hope she doesn't ask why I'm showing her a man's driver's license (cause you know...that happens sometimes).

When we return, I should have my sight restored!!!

The upside of being sick

Ryan with his favorite snack stuck to the side of his face (we've also found these little crackers hidden in the fold of his neck, smashed against the backs of his thighs, etc.).

Ryan with a milk (really it's plain yogurt) moustache! He's already learned how to lash out at the paparazzi! That's my boy!!!

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FIVE REASONS WHY HAVING A FEVER AND A SORE THROAT DON'T TOTALLY SUCK:

1. Roy is taking care of Ryan full-time...which means it only took EIGHT months for me to get a decent break from childcare!
2. I get to lay in bed and read all day. I've been tearing through one paperback after another. Too bad I've read all these books already...but I'm too sick to go to the library and too poor to go to Borders. Roy had to go digging in my youngest brother Joel's closet beneath all the Star Wars novels to find me some old Grisham's (The Broker is a great read!) and Harlen Coben's to read.
3. Fresh, warm, toasted tofu and avocado sandwiches, made to order...every lunch and dinner. Roy has become the Tofu Sandwich Master! (This from a guy who once downed 8-10 meat-filled tacos at a time!) I know for 99% of human population- having a fever and raw sore throat blunts the appetite. But c'mon now? For me?! HA. HA friggen' HA.
4. An excuse to take more than one shower today. I feel like I'm not only scrubbing away all of the germs, but as an added bonus, I get to loosen up all the phlegm in my throat. There is nothing, and I do mean nothing more satisfying than spitting out that crap when you're sick. You know it's true. And speaking of feeling clean, huge kudos to Roy for also replacing our Sonicare heads. Everytime I brush I feel like I've just gotten my teeth professionally polished. This makes having a large overbite slightl more palateable.
5. I don't have a number five, but I think I've already laid out four pretty solid reasons to go ahead and get sick. This whole experience reminds me of when I had Ryan at the hospital and I got to lay in very, very comfortable bed and have meals and painkillers brought to me all day long. The only thing that would have made it better was if the food was actually good and I didn't have to have a Hispanic roommate next to me that the nurses kept asking loudly ('cause we all know that speaking loudly helps non-English speakers understand things so much better) if she or her baby had pooped yet (prune juice, people...prune juice).

So if you're a hard working mother who simply needs a break, start touching the restroom doors at Wal Mart and then rubbing your eyes. Maybe you'll get lucky.

Need...sleep

Check out those thighs! We all know where those came from! He looks so cute doesn't he? Unfortunately, he loses A LOT of that cuteness when he howls every night, every hour on the hour. How do people do this more than once?! I haven't had a decent night of sleep since I got pregnant and Ryan began smashing my bladder. Please tell me it gets better. But don't tell me I have to wait until he's like, 2 or something. Because that would just make me cry.

Anyone need their car washed?

I once had a great paying job and lived minutes from many affordable laser eye surgery centers. At present, I'm unemployed with a rapidly dwindling bank account and have to ride an airplane in order to get to a laser eye surgery center that just so happens to be located on one of the most expensive islands in the world.

So guess who has decided to get laser eye surgery in 2 weeks?!!

Today I had my 'free' consultation (we're being charged $5600 for the surgery...how sweet of them to throw in the 'free' consultation!). And to ensure that I don't back out because of the cost (Roy knows me well), we've already booked our flights, hotel and surgery date. This both excites and depresses me.

On the one hand, it will be thrilling to see again. At present, Roy could stab me to death, and if I've already taken my contacts out, all I would be able to write on the carpet in my own blood would be something like "I think it was Roy...or Ronald McDonald."

But $28oo per eye? Whoa. That's a lot of money. And that doesn't even include the airfare and the hotel. So if the entire trip ended up costing $6300, and I wanted to fundraise by having a car wash- I could charge $10 per car (I promise, I'd be good), and I would still have to wash...oh...SIX HUNDRED THIRTY CARS. I think I'd rather turn 6 really good tricks. I'd wouldn't have any dignity, but I wouldn't have dishpan hands either.

Anyway, I've long joked about how blind I am, however, I today I learned a very fun fact that has brought me endless smug satisfaction and validation. The vision technician told me that my uncorrected vision is so bad that I am...LEGALLY BLIND!!!

Once the doctor told me this I excitedly announced that I was going to get three things- a cane, a handicap placard (I promise I'll only use it at Wal Mart since the parking lot is always so full), and a seeing eye dog! I was waffling between a Maltipoo and a Labridoodle (not sure what either of those look like but they sound real cute), but Roy pointed out (spoilsport) that because my vision is in fact, correctible- I am not legally blind. So while I can still get the cane and the dog, I cannot actually get the placard (soooo not worth it anymore).

Geekdom revisted

I woke up this morning with some eye issues. The first? Because I have a Lasik consultation next week, I have to go four days without wearing contacts. So for the first time in over 20 years- I had to wear my glasses ALL day. This wouldn't be such a bad thing if like my fashionista brother Joel- I sprung for some hip, smart lookin' Gucci frames. And I also might not look so bad if I were willing to dole out the extra $150 or so for the thinnest, lightest-weight lenses available (I am so blind I require Coke-bottle thickness). But because we ALL know what I really do is head straight to the cheap frame rack at Costco- today I was stuck looking like Won Pei Luck Duck Ching heading off to her favorite calculus class.

And as an extra special bonus- I also woke up this morning with a very swollen right eye lid. Though I look like I was on the losing end of a bar fight (because if someone ever did steal my Shirley Temple you'd better believe someone be goin' DOWN), I'm pretty sure an insect bit me. So I looked (and felt) like poo-poo today. And I get to look like this for the next three days. Wonderful.

But the day was not entirely lost. Because I think I convinced my parents that I can help them sell their old sofas. They just bought new ones today, so I offered to try and sell them since they're both in perfectly good condition. But because they're your typical near senior-citizen age, kind, innocent, Japanese-American couple- this is how our conversation went:

Josie: So how much do you guys want for them?

Mom: (nervously wringing her fingers) Oh I don't know...I don't think very much. Do you think people would buy old furniture? Because two years ago I accidentally made a small mark on one of them with a ballpoint pen! So if you squint real hard and the sun is shining right on it, you can almost see the mark!

Josie: Well then how's about $50 each?

Dad: (horror in his eyes) Hah?!! That's waaay too much!!! No, no, no! Half that is fine. Half is fine...

Josie: Uh okay, I suppose I can list it for a little less, let's try for at least $40 each though.

Mom: (slightly horrified) Oh no! I'd better start hand washing them then! And polishing the feet! And if I don't eat dinner and stay up all night- I should be able to reupholster AND reinforce all the stitching on both of them!

Dad: Yeah, go do that, hon! And Josie...(low stern voice)...if person notices the mark on it- you better drop the price to like $10 each. Maybe $5. And if they need bone marrow or organs down the line, be sure to give them our name and number.

Josie: Um...I really don't think that's necessary.

Mom (who has neuropathy in her fingers, stiff joints from her anti-cancer medication, bone spurs and just got a steroid shot in her knee yesterday): And if they look like they have a medical condition like say, chronic dandruff...I can load it in their truck for them!

Dad: And make sure you give 'em some grapefruits and bananas! Get plenty on the tree right now!

Well, you get the picture! ;-) So against their better judgement, I did list them for sale, and when I excitedly crowed to them that a few people have already called about them- my father refused to take any payment and instead insisted I keep it for "all my trouble" ('cause you know how long it takes to place an ad and take a few calls).

But please- do not make the mistake of thinking these are entirely good hearted people! These were the people who forced us out of our beds at 6:30am on the weekend (I know! We had to miss the Flintstones AND the Smurfs!!!) to move an entire back yard of rocks! For a measly quarter per 5-gallon bucket (never fear...we learned how to hide large, oversized rocks under the little ones to fill 'em up faster). We were sometimes bitten by red ants! And if we didn't whine and complain- we all got to share a small pitcher of Tang! Where the hell was CPS?! Sally Struthers?! Angelina Jolie?!

Who needs Super Nanny?

I take a firm hand with Ryan, people. A firm hand! So when time out's just don't work, I lock. him. out.

OUT!

Just kidding. He's constantly trying to crawl/squirm his way into the bathroom so he can slap on the cold tile floor and suck on the dirty, dirty bath mat. And because Roy and I keep forgetting to close the bathroom door, I put a sign on it to remind us. I also wanted to drive the point home to Ryan (who thankfully, seems to get it).

So it's been over a year since our last trip (to Greece & Turkey, a trip best forgotten since all I did was pee every 300 yards 'cause I was four months pregnant). And Roy and I have decided that while we will definitely take Ryan somewhere before he's two (while he's still free), we're gonna start small and see how things go before we book anything.

So a week ago, I booked us a two-night stay at some cabins at the Volcano. It's supposed to get down into the 30s at night in March, so I'm pretty sure I'll be hitting Sports Authority to pick up a portable gas heater (since the cabins have no electricity or water) once I soften Roy up on the additional expense. Because as I've learned over the past few years- camping ain't cheap no 'mo. The cabins will cost us $125, and so far, we've also bought camp chairs, a screen room, a propane camp stove, sleeping bags, etc. Thus far, the cost of roughing it in rugged cabin with communal showers is rivaling that of a luxurious stay at the Four Seasons. But I figure it's kind of an investment. Because I like the idea of taking both an exciting new international trip each year, as well as an annual migration to a much-loved camp site each year...we just have to figure out whether that place will be the warm tropical beach, the rainy cool volcano...or both.

Having the option is kinda neat, I know! And things like that make it easier to accept that I'm living back home, a place I never thought I'd return to so soon. So while I'm still struggling to accept that I'm back, I had an epiphany the other night- I'm no longer going to focus on the (negative) fact that I came back to my loveable, semi-backwards hometown, I'm going to focus on the fact that I came back home to my family.

Simple, no? I'm proud to say that it only took me three solid months of silently crying in the shower before coming up with that gem. ;-)

Ryan loves papaya!

...and I swear, this was one of his milder reactions! I tried to capture him shaking his head back and forth in disgust and letting the papaya fall out, but once he sees that little green light on the camera- I swear, he freezes up! You know, kinda like me whenever I see someone point their camera in my direction before I've had a chance to suck in, push the ratty gray hair out of my face, turn sideways (full frontals prominently display my middle linebacker shoulder girth), etc. Like mother, like son!

Holy shmokies

Wow. I can't even begin to describe how surprised and touched I am by your responses...I had no idea so many people still read this blog! Your kind comments have not only reignited my fire to continue blogging (who knew there was such a fetish for chubby, graying, sweaty, post partum Japanese girls with man calves?), but they also resulted in my demanding that everyone in the house refer to me as 'the celebrity.' Thus far only Roy has obliged, but that may be because he just started lifting weights again and is in severe pain...so everytime he refuses to call me 'the celebrity' I jab him real hard in the chest until he yelps and complies.

So once the comments started pouring in I definitely felt some pressure to make this entry a very special one. And because no ordinary words or pictures would do- I considered posting a very sexy, naughty, half-naked picture of myself. However, since doing so tends to prohibit future employment (and also I've never taken porn-like pictures of myself since I don't know how to airbrush stretch marks or remove stomach rolls)...I thought of the next best thing- posting a very sexy, naughty half-naked picture of my best friend instead!

KT & Ryan at preschool

Okay, so she's not technically half naked, but as I've pointed out to her- she can't prove that she's wearing shorts in this picture either! During her recent visit to Kona, KT (Ry's godmother) wanted to go to preschool with Ryan. Unfortunately- due to her poor selection of shorts that day, my son's wide girth and her seated position (talk about 'spreading your Aloha')...the lady looks naked from the waist down! At a preschool! Holding baby Ryan!!! What a perv! I've been calling her a pedophile for weeks. You better believe I'm now watching her like a hawk.

So anyhow, thanks again for the support. I know I shouldn't rely so heavily upon the opinions of others, but you're talking about someone who never got asked to her junior prom, senior prom, any of the four Winterballs, played golf in high school AND college (but still wasn't smart enough to get into private school) and has been sporting a rice bowl haircut since the mid-70s. Being a pig doesn't exactly help either. So please, excuse if my self esteem sucks bullocks and I need people to tell me how great I am pretty much around the clock (Roy really, really loves this neediness)!

Mahalo nui loa! A hui hou kakou! Pilau hauna kukai!

(Thank you! Until next time! Dirty stink poop*!)

*I know limited Hawaiian language...those words still sounded pretty.