Lessons from the Master (for you...grasshopper)

I survived!  The Cliff Notes version of the run- woke up at 4am, started running at 5:30 with my friend Karen (while using a flashlight), felt pretty tuckered out by mile 16 (never a good sign), remedied that with increased gels and salt tablets, caught my second wind around mile 20 and finished feeling much better than I ever have after doing a 26-mile run. Still, I wouldn't call the run a total success...painful lessons were learned.  But in the spirit of giving, I will share them with you.

Lesson #1- No stuffing your face the night before a marathon.  You know how you're not supposed to pig out the night before a race?  Today I found out why.  Like, four times why.  Last night I went to another one of Rich's Christmas parties, and some sick saboteur decided to serve up some delectable stuffing baked with cranberries! And oranges! And mac nuts!  Let's just say that I was quite liberal in serving myself that and about fourteen other delicious things to eat...more than once.  Needless to say, I waddled out of the party moaning about my distended belly and cursing my lack of self discipline (and especially with such a long run pending).  This morning I woke up to my stomach gurgling and consequently- made many, many, many, many (count 'em) potty stops.  It was very uncomfortable, and definitely not recommended.  Ms. Piggy has learned her lesson.

Lesson #2- No tissue blotting while in the can.  During one such potty stop, I happened to be profusely sweating and decided to lightly blot off some of the sweat with toilet tissue so it wouldn't run into my eyes.  A baaaad, bad idea.  Because as I learned today, when you're that sweaty- there is no such thing as 'light blotting.'  The tissue just disintegrates all over your face, so that approximately 267 little pieces are left stuck all over your cheeks (which you would know if you actually had a mirror on the wall...and I did not).  I found this all out a few hours later when I returned my car and saw a bunch of white, dried tissue still nicely adhered to my face. I'm sure the dozens of passersby and motorists just assumed I had a rough time shaving off my beard this morning. So ladies and gents- no sweat blotting while in the can.

Lesson #3- Save the bikini bottoms for the beach.  Do you know why triathletes do not run wearing bikini bottoms under their tri-shorts?  I do now.  I quickly figured it out after I got in the shower post-run and howled from the numerous raw, chafed areas that I will refrain from mentioning in any detail because this is a family-friendly blog site. So take note of this equation: Generous application of Body Glide + excessive sweating in humid weather = CHAFING EVERYWHERE (private areas NOT excluded).

Feel free to thank me in person for my bountiful, overflowing heart with gifts of gold, frankincense & myrrh, or better yet, a gift certificate to the Cheese Palace (I'm not sure if such a place exists, but if it does, I definitely want to be there).  Just not the night before a long run.