I know that for most people, .25 + .5 + .5 = 1.25. But for me, it equaled .5.
See, I've been super busy lately. My calendar is jam packed each day. I find myself rushing around, cramming things into the schedule and/or doing them at less than my best. Yet I refused to admit that this schedule was a bit much. I kept telling myself I was only busy because I'd started a new job, we'd just moved and Ryan started school (which added daily carpooling, lunch/snack making and homework duties for both Ryan and my nephew). I kept telling myself things would settle down, and chided myself for feeling overwhelmed and stressed, since I don't even work F/T like most other mothers. So I wasn't allowed to complain. I should be grateful and smile. SMILE.
But the fake smile plastered across my face and pep talk hasn't helped. Because last night, at 10pm, with a still messy kitchen, unfinished laundry and a packed schedule the next day..I realized that while I'm not employed full-time at any one place, I manage two part-time jobs (aka clients), as well as my duties as a mother, wife and aunt.
And .25 (my CA client) + .5 (my HI client) + .5 (wife/mother/aunt) = 1.25, not .5. I've been devaluing the amount of my work by stubbornly clinging to the notion that since I don't have a full time job (1.0), I shouldn't be stressed. But in reality, I do work full-time. Because those three jobs take all of my time. And though I've never mentioned it here before and probably never will again (it's not my story to share)- I also help a family member who has a disability. Though it's incredibly fulfilling and a privilege to be able to do so, it can also be emotionally taxing and well...sad. Let's just say it adds to the weekly list of things to do.
Since we've moved and the boys have started school, I haven't had time to read a book or watch any top notch, life-enriching TV shows (like the RHOOC Season Finale). I'm feeling more than a little crabby about not having downtime (my only downtime is spent walking or running with friends, which is AWESOME, but still involves lots of sweating).
All I want, is a half day to sit down. To quietly read my library books before they're all due. Again. We keep saying we're going to do something as a family to observe my birthday (it was at the beginning of the month, we spent the day pulling carpet). I don't need or want a nice dinner out. All I want is a Feta & Veggie Wrap from Island Naturals that I can eat on the patio furniture I have yet to sit on.
I don't think I'm more busy than anybody else. And I am certainly not entitled to anything. I know that I am insanely blessed and privileged, but this doesn't mean I'm now allowed to sit, right?. Because if I've learned one thing from western culture, it's this- the stronger you are, the better you can help take care of others. So because I want to be a giver, I'm going to read a WWII autobiography while stuffing my face with a massive veggie/feta wrap this weekend. Now that I think about it- that must be why I flirt with chubbiness/obesity! Because I'm a giver!!! ;-) I like it.