Sprinting through the crossroads

This month, I finally made a very difficult decision.

After three years of attending twice weekly preschool classes with Ry, three years of volunteering in Ry's classes (preschool, K and 1), followed by another three years of working at his schools as a part-time tutor/substitute (grades 2, 3, 4), I will not be returning to the classroom in any capacity next year. I believe I gave it a solid effort. I truly hoped that my camaraderie with kids, and added exposure to them would translate into me wanting to teach/get certified. I figured there was a slightly better than 50-50 chance that it would.

But that feeling never really came...and I found that I couldn't 'will' myself into wanting it. I know that teaching requires incredible self sacrifice and patience, and is a calling, not a job. And unfortunately, it's not for me. However, I am walking away from this adventure with a much deeper appreciation for teachers, as well as for the opportunity to have spent so much extra, precious time with my son.

But he's older now, and he's doing just fine. It's time for both of us to forge paths that are more authentically ours.  I need to spend my time doing more soul-filling work, and he needs more time without his mommy hovering over him, annoyingly pointing out how he could have done things better. We are snipping a Teflon-caliber umbilical cord just a tad, and it's a good thing, even if it is a bit emotional. Truthfully, my son still loves it when I'm at campus. He's on the cusp of turning ten, but still sweet enough that he will excitedly run up and give me a hug whenever he spots me at school. He's a teensy bit sad he won't see me as much, but I assured him he will not want to be in 5th grade, with his mom subbing the class, scolding his friends and embarrassing him by either telling them 7 x 9 = 81, peeing herself with laughter or accidentally slipping the f-bomb (four times...and that's just in math class). All are very likely possibilities.

Once I made the decision to leave, I was incredibly concerned about how I would find another source of income that would work within the parameters of shuttling my charge around each day. Because if I'm being honest, it's not as though I was being entirely self-sacrificial by working at mostly schools for the last decade. I was always looking for other HR opportunities. They're just hard to come by when you can't work over winter, spring, summer and fall break, whenever your child is sick or when he's got three-lines (that you'll barely hear) in his school play. Believe it or not, these refusals to work much actually make you...an undesirable employee! *gasp* Who knew?!

Additionally, I am very self conscious about not wanting to completely rely on my partner's income to fund our lives. It doesn't seem fair to sit at home folding a few loads of laundry a week and preparing a few very mediocre meals here and there while he's working a pressure-filled job each day. I'm not trying to say housewives have it easy- laaaawdy...I'm so not going there. But I'm not exactly juggling three kids, three sets of their after-school activities, while also caring for a dog and a mother in law. I've got it pretty easy on the spectrum of life. I always have a few part-time jobs, but for the most part, I'm not usually overwhelmed. But that lifestyle is not going to come at the expense of my husband. I have to contribute, for my own self worth, and to alleviate pressure off of him.

My immediate plan once school ends in May, was to not panic in the interim of summer. I was going to trim the budget, find ways to be a bit more frugal, and go outside of my comfort zone to find ways to recoup my lost income from school and the HR job in CA I was recently laid off from. And I've been doing that. I recently drafted a fairly detailed proposal to a former employer with a former coworker, that would've essentially had me back in the HR game, replacing most of the lost income. While we wait for their response, which isn't looking great for me (working remotely is still a bit outside of the box), I was looking for HR positions locally as well. I really hadn't ever imagined being approached by a friend about helping her out with her company, but I was...and it looks like I may be starting a new position with her soon.

The hours work with Ryan's school schedule (so I can continue my chauffeuring duties), and will give me ample time each week to get my household/financial duties, and physical exercise done. I'll still be able to volunteer at school as needed. It's really a slam dunk for me. Although the duration of the position remains to be seen, it's given me some hope for the future. Mostly, it reassures me to not be so afraid. To be bold, have faith, and to jump in with both feet and trust that things can and will be okay in the end (I mean, as long as we're clothed, fed and sheltered, things are okay, after all).

I am many things, but a risk taker has never, ever been one of them. I have no direct stocks, only mutual funds. I don't run fast 5ks with pressure, I run nice and easy half marathons. I have one child, not three.

I have taken soooome calculated risks, but trust me when I say those decisions were not ever made free of a half dozen Excel spreadsheets and a few sleepless nights.

So if I'm very lucky, I will remember that sometimes you get to skip right over the crossroads and instead, go sprinting right through them. Sometimes not, but this time...yes.