Reflections & A Bucket List

I have found when I come here, it's because I have a quiet moment. I want to reflect, plan, motivate and document. It's a definite fact that you can really only organize your thoughts when you have peace/quiet. I think I used to do this on really long runs (which have been non existent for years thanks to PF), and when Ryan was at school (now I'm at work). I have lost most of my reflective time, which isn't really a good thing.

Today's reflection comes because this morning, on the way to school, I quizzed Ryan. The challenge was to name a single memory from any country I named, to see what he could remember/what most stood out. I listed country after country...and for the most part, I got crickets. This is a twofold issue for me- 1. He was really young when we visited most of these places. And 2. He needs to revisit our digital photo albums. I spent endless hours taking the photos, deleting the bad ones, uploading the good...sorting them into order, and saving everything in Google Drive (I have no more hard copy photo albums). If I don't force him to look at the albums, the memories are forever gone...

So tonight, we looked at an RV trip to CA when he was around 5-6, and a trip to Vietnam. 

Ryan's takeaways? 'OMG. I had some seriously questionable poses back then. I was like an original J-POP star. Good God!'

Mom's takeaways? 'OMG OMG OMG!!!! You had the HUGEST CUTEST SMILE! You looked so happy!!! Look at all the fun you were having!!!"

It has been so long...YEARS, really...since I have seen my son howling with uncensored laughter. Giddiness. Pure joy and excitement. These days, I get ignored. Eye-rolled (that one doesn't end well for him, take my word for it). Condescended too. One -ord answers. Annoyance.

It became very evident to me, over the course of ten minutes of staring at old photos, that I have officially lost most of the daily joy of parenting. At this moment in time, I have a largely surly, disinterested, distracted, sassy, messy and lazy teen. I'm not saying he's a miserable human being (he's not)- but I am saying I lost 90% of the daily cuteness factor! 

I have found myself seriously wondering lately why people have kids. I certainly did not ever think I'd ever want to have any. They seemed like a whole lot of effort, cost and anxiety. And all of that is true! But then I had Ryan, and I have to say- for the first ten or eleven years of his life, I was like- ooooh...I get it now! Kids are cute and innocent! They allow you to reexperience life! Adorable!!!

But now that we've entered the teen years, I'm back to- this is nuts. I don't get why people do this three or four times. Kids are as*holes! Such know it alls! Ingrates! I would *never* do this again!

But everyone I speak to (and trust me, anyone I speak to, I respect and value) has told me that this phase is normal, and will pass...and in time, your little jerk will once again become the apple of your eye. I eagerly await that day. Because right now...these are the moments I am focused on and appreciating- 

• Ryan has a wicked sense of humor. He does hilarious comedic impersonations of 'characters' (his 'Karen' is hilarious) that he encounters, and I die laughing. I also cringe in embarrassment, as I hope he doesn't do this stuff around others!
• Ryan is quickly learning human behavior/insecurities and when he demonstrates this, I am truly impressed (I don't believe I was anywhere near as self aware at he is at his age even in my later teens). He can read many adult's intentions like a book! (Having said that, he's also still a child and sometimes very judgmental and wrong.)
• Ryan is confident in who he is, and does not easily let others intimate or harass him. 
• Ryan appears to want to accomplish great things in his career path. It's too early to say if he has the self discipline to see them through, but the hope is a start. It's a seed.
• Ryan can be helpful- I was shocked when he helped Rich set up and break down something this past weekend, and it was the first time I could kind of step back. It was nice to have the help.

Switching gears here...if I had more time to do whatever I pleased, here is what I'd like to accomplish in the next decade:

1. Run a 50k at age 50.
2. Visit Nepal, India, Tunisia, Israel, Ecuador, the Maldives, Kenya Saudi Arabia and Qatar.
3. Build myself a sustainable tiny house to live in.
4. Volunteer in an orphanage in China, the Philippines or Nepal.
5. Get back to my fighting weight.
6. Become a successful day trader so I could fund my nieces/nephews college funds.
7. Learn to speak Japanese.
8. Hike my way through western Europe for months.
9. Own an RV and travel N. America & Canada in it (too chicken to head south of the border).
10. Learn to cook Thai food.
11. Live in an urban city (pretty open about which one- Tokyo? Dubai? NYC? SF? London?)
12. Fly internationally in First Class in a lay-flat seat or pod a few times...

Mind you, all of these are doable in my lifetime with some hard work, but...I need to get my arse in gear. And before I can do that, I have a son I need to get through high school and college in tandem with work and life. But I need to remember that life is all about following your dreams. Sometimes, aside from travel, I think I tend to always do what I think is right, or with Rich will compromise on, vs what I actually truly want to do. That's not a sob story, as I definitely live a good life...but once Ryan is off to school, I hope to allow myself to lean more into what I want to do vs what I should do. I want to be fiercely protective of my time left on Earth. I spent two decades of my life in school and playing a sport I did not love. I spent a decade of my life parenting (my choice, but it wasn't my dream). I want to spend the last few decades doing more of what I love and want to do and balance it against not being a spoiled brat, you know?