Forging a path

Recently, a friend of ours decided to send their daughter to a prep school for her high school education. Another friend is seriously considering sending her child there next year. The school is top notch. But the school is an hour away, and the school is $60k annually if you include room and board. 

Ryan has been asking if he could go there next year.

My short answer: no.

My long answer: I see high school education as an opportunity to forge your own path in life. At public school, it's like getting handed a machete in a jungle with no map. With the right attitude, you can still be successful, but you'll get lost, endless mosquito bites, possibly tetanus (if you step on a rusted canteen and didn't get vaccinated), etc. Really, your obstacles are teasing, bullying, unavailable classes, drugs/alcohol, unengaged teachers. It's a minefield, really. But if you can get through it- you've truly accomplished something independently, without your tiger mommy's help...and you're more likely to be prepared for college. I also want him to continue his current extra curricular activities of volleyball, running, karate and taiko...which would likely mostly fall by the wayside and be replaced with other activities (admittedly not a bad thing).

I see private school as certainly having it's own set of issues, but also having the assistance of a very well educated guide who happens to be toting a torch, a few thick ham sandwiches, and who is always a few steps ahead bushwhacking the brush so that other than a few low hanging bushes...you're mostly led the right way, and with fewer quicksand, crocodile and murder hornet encounters. I'm NOT saying that self direction and discipline aren't still key components, in fact, one could argue the standards and pressure are even higher. What I'm saying is- you have a guide. And that guide is motivated to help you succeed, because you've promised them a lot of gold doubloons each year if they do.

Do I want my child to have the best education available, with a guide? Of course I do.

Do I want to minimize obstacles for Ryan like fights/bulling, class shortages, overcrowded classrooms and bored teachers? I do.

Do I have a quarter million dollars to make that happen? (Not really.) And even if I did...would I be willing to part ways with my son weekdays for 9 months of the year, for the next four years? I would not love it, but I would support him.

Would I delay our retirement by taking out loans so I could afford both a private HS education AND college tuition for Ryan? Sure...but only if he was passionate about defining that path as needed to achieve his career goals (and he's said he is not yet sure what he wants to do).

And for all of those reasons above...I want Ryan to figure things out in public school:

• He will also learn how to eat crappy cafeteria food or go hungry when he forgets to bring a home lunch, and better appreciate a daily meal.
• He will have to figure out how to impress a crotchety teacher, and adjust his personality to get along with others.
• He will continue to understand that when you don't get classes with friends, you have to make new ones...so that you realize expanding your social circle can be a necessary life skill.
• He will realize that there will always be smarter, richer students than you, but also less fortunate, struggling ones as well...and I hope he better learned to appreciate blessings and exhibit empathy and compassion.
• If his expensive backpack is stolen on week one, he will learn not to flaunt nice things in less fortunate communities.
• If he is intimidated/threatened by a jerk, he will learn to deescalated/avoid/stand up for himself or others.
• He will learn that if you want to enroll in a certain class, he'll need to figure out how to hustle and be first in line.

If he can do these things on his own, I will be so proud of him for navigating his way through the jungle, largely on his own.

I would be no less proud of him if he could graduate from a small private school and do well...but I suspect he might be slightly more prepared to advocate for himself if he attends a public one. At least, this is my hope. I could be wildly off and he could drown at public school...but I'm going with the odds here that millions of American students, including myself, can and do survive and thrive in a large public school.

We have protected and insulated my son to a large degree. He was a quiet and gentle child, and I moved heaven and earth to ensure he thrived at a smaller charter school with a strong academic program. We've enrolled him in countless activities, and hired him a great math tutor. I've had a hand in curating some of his friendships (let's be honest- the moms set up the play dates, not the kids until middle school), and they've all largely been wonderful/safe kids/families. We have been able to shield him from poverty, drugs, violence and crime.

In doing so, we've also sheltered him and enabled him. So it's time to set our not so little bird free and see if he can fly without our intervention. There will still be plenty of micromanaging in public school- believe me. I'm incapable of totally backing off, and I'm not sure that I should. So this move will be for me as much as it is for him- it's time for Ryan and his mother to grow up a little, you know?